My Experience with DMER: Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex

Gross. Weird. Sick. Depressed. A pit in my stomach. Nauseous. Anxious. Homesick. Disgust.

I was 15 years old when I got pregnant for the first time with my now 8.5-year-old son.

Left. 16-year-old Acacia with Bentley. Right is Bentley 8.5 years now with his little sister.

I only attempted to breastfeed him for about the first 2 days of his life and I have a specific memory in which I am sitting on the bed, in my moms house, trying to get a screaming baby to latch, while my nipples bled and oozed and I am suddenly overwhelmed with this wave of many feelings, feelings that flood my entire body within a split second.

It would start with a pit in my stomach.

Remember when you were a kid and you did something bad and you knew you were going to get in trouble and you had that pit in your stomach? EXACTLY like that.

Then the nausea would follow.

Then the anxiety.

I would start to sweat and feel overwhelmed.

And then the BIG ones... Gross. Weird.

Why did I feel gross? Why did this feel weird? WHY does this feel inappropriate? Is something wrong with me that I feel this way?

Then depressed.

A screaming baby that wouldn't latch. So much nipple pain and NOW I felt like something was seriously wrong with me, that I was feeling so gross and almost inappropriate while breastfeeding my child.

I had spent the past 9 months in a high school of only moms, hearing all about the amazing bond and connection other moms shared with their baby while breastfeeding. Now here I am, newly postpartum, trying to breastfeed and the only thing I am feeling is gross. Or was it weird? Wrong? Sick?

I couldn't quite describe what I was feeling but this feeling would be my only, major breastfeeding memory I would have and a burden that I would carry around with me for the next 8 YEARS of my life. For the next 7 years or so, I wouldn't dare share this experience with anyone. What would people think of me? To know that I felt gross... almost like I was being inappropriate or doing something wrong, while breastfeeding my baby. I didn't know anyone else who experienced such a feeling. Everyone I had talked to had such positive things to say about breastfeeding. I genuinely believed that something was wrong with me.

It was a short 2-day journey of breastfeeding before I made the switch to formula. Many obstacles contributed to myself making the switch and these feelings and emotions were one of them. I would continue on with my life, going on to have 2 more children who would also be formula fed and one of them not even getting the colostrum!

Bentley 1.5 years old, feeding his newborn baby brother, Kharter, formula in a bottle.

December 2018, we welcomed our 3rd son. Moments after being born he was offered formula.

Then, back in 2020, being 24 at the time, I got pregnant with my 4th child after only 2 months of trying!

September 2018, around 16-weeks pregnant, we announced we were expecting baby #4!

Esmeralda was supposed to be our last child and with that notion came this sense that I needed to give breastfeeding an honest and real attempt. If it was my last time to welcome a new child, then I wanted to give breastfeeding a shot. I felt selfish for not trying with my previous child and felt that I owed this to myself and my child in some way. Besides, breastfeeding was EXPENSIVE, averaging $500 a month during the peak months- or a can every second day.

I spent months researching and preparing myself with all the knowledge and tools I could acquire, to set myself up the best that I could, in preparation for this experience.

But I was worried. There was always this little voice in the back of my head that would bring me back to that memory of me at 16 years old, sitting in that back room at my moms, crying, with a screaming baby unable to latch, feeling GROSS. Feeling WEIRD. Feeling DISGUST. Feeling INAPPROPRIATE?

I did not want to experience that this time around.

I would occasionally and nonchalantly try to bring up this past experience to my husband, as a way to just get it off my chest, without fully elaborating that I thought there was something wrong with me. What would he think of me if I shared these things?

"It's hard to explain but you know that sick-to-your-stomach feeling? I had that when breastfeeding and I just felt really.... gross."

Obviously, being a man who doesn't breastfeed, he couldn't relate but always tried to be sympathetic.

Then a couple months into my pregnancy, I was browsing my instagram and there it was staring me point blank in the face.

The words:

D-MER- Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex.

The first time I ever saw the words D-MER.

I instantly felt a flood of relief fill over my body and quickly turned to google to see if this was ACTUALLY a real thing and IT WAS!

Wikipedia definition:

"Dysphoric milk ejection reflex (D-MER) is a condition where women who are breastfeeding develop negative emotions that begin just before the milk ejection reflex and lasts less than a few minutes. It is different than postpartum depressions and a dislike of breastfeeding. Hundreds of women personally describe the condition. There has, however, been little to no research into it as of 2015."

Signs and symptoms:

"The lactating woman develops a brief period of dysphoria that begins just prior to the milk ejection reflex and continues for not more than several minutes. It may recur with every milk release, any single release, or only with the initial milk release at each feeding. D-MER always presents as an emotional reaction but may also produce a hollow or churning feeling in the pit of the stomach, nausea, restlessness, and/or general unease. When experiencing D-MER, mothers may report any of a spectrum of different unpleasant emotions, ranging from depression to anxiety to anger. Each of these emotions can be felt at a different level of intensity. DMER is not psychological it is physiological".

D-MER is said to have something to do with an abnormal Dopamine function, a hormone presence during breastfeeding.

WOW.

I remember feeling soo, soooo relieved that this was normal. I carried this burden of thinking something was wrong with me, or that I was a bad mom with me for years, only to find out that it was NORMAL! The more I read about it the more relieved I felt.

It IS normal. It IS common. There is NOTHING wrong with you.

There are many different feelings and emotions associated with it, all felt to a different degree!

Disgust.

A Pit in my stomach.

Gross.

Weird.

Anxious. Depressed.

Sick. Nauseous.

Perverted.

Homesick.

It was all normal. Although there hasn't been much research on D-MER as it was first brought into light in 2007, one case study reports a 9.1% rate of D-MER in women!

Many breastfeeding mothers experience D-MER, with #DMER trending with over 1,000 posts on instagram and there is a D-Mer Facebook group with over 3.6 thousand members!

This was such a huge relief for me and it was a massive weight off of my shoulders going into my breastfeeding journey with my 4th child. I spent the rest of my pregnancy wondering if I would experience this again. I did my best to prepare myself mentally and I decided to remind myself that if I did happen, it had nothing to do with me and all to do with my body and these hormones.

A couple months later on February 6th, 2021 2:48 AM.

Esmeralda was born!

She latched right away and here we are successfully breastfeeding 3-months later!

Do I/have I experienced D=MER this time around as well?

The answer is YES, I am currently dealing with D-MER!

I experience D-MER approximately 1 minute before my letdown (your letdown is the release of milk from your breasts that is triggered from a baby sucking) and it lasts approximately 2-3 minutes total.

I experience D-MER before every feed, so on average 10x a day.

It was hard to distinguish in the beginning if I had D-MER or not , as not only was thing my first REAL time breastfeeding so I didn't know what to expect but your body goes through a major hormonal adjustment period, including something called the "baby blues". I didn't actively notice D-MER until about 2-weeks into my breastfeeding journey once everything to do with my body started to regulate more.

First, I began to notice a tingling sensation in my breasts shortly after she would start to suck. (Which would be your let down ladies!) It is similar to the feeling when your arm falls asleep at night and gets tingly. It is also common to have a letdown that is very strong and slightly painful as well, just like mine, YAY!

Once I established that I was actually recognizing my letdown, then I began to notice I would start to feel "weird" or "gross" just before the tingling started.

Cue the D-MER.

It comes like a wave that hits all at once and happens quickly and out of no where.

I will be happy and in great spirits and then the wave of feelings flood over my body.

A pit in my stomach.

Nausea.

Anger.

Saddness.

Depressed.

Weird.

Gross.

Anxious.

Bothered.

Shameful.

Panic.

Self digsust.

Worthlessness.

Scared.

As soon as I feel all these emotions and think I wanna barf.

I remind myself to breathe and to just take a minute and wait. It's not me, it's the D-MER. It's the hormones in my body.

Breathe.

1 minute later the tingling starts and I can feel my milk come in and about 2-3 minutes later it's gone. JUST like that. It is gone as quick as it starts.

From start to finish the feelings only last about 3ish minute at the beginning of every feed. (About 10 feeds a day x 3 minutes a feed equally a total of about 30 minute a day!)

Like clockwork. Cue the flood of emotions. Approximately 1 minute later then tingling (letdown) starts.

2-3ish more minutes of gross feelings.

BOOM back to normal while she finishes her feed.

Although, sometimes those 3 minutes feel EXTRA long it is over before you know it. I remind myself during those times that I don't ACTUALLY feel those things, it is just my body playing a nasty trick on me. Even though D-MER is an unpleasant thing to have to experience, the bond that I feel with my daughter from breastfeeding trumps this obstacle. Her cute little fingers pinching me as she squirms. The improper sucking noise she makes when she slips off the boob because she can't help but smile after noticing me. The fact that whenever she is scared, sad, tired or in pain, she is quickly calmed and comforted as soon as she is latched. Breastfeeding is not just about feeding your baby. Breastfeeding provides many benefits and has been an AMAZING experience for the both of us so far.

If you have me on Instagram, I posted this sae photo of her as a newborn.. WOW she is big now.

According to the Government of Canada, here are 10 great facts about breastfeeding, which not only include bonding with your baby but higher IQ scores, lower risk for mom from disease like heart disease, diabetes, breast and ovarian cancer, a reduced chance of sudden infant death syndrome and many more!

I have many regrets that I never breastfed my previous children but I believe that every parent always does their best given the circumstance at that time and that changes in every stage of life. I did not have the tools or support or knowledge that is widely known today, I am not the same parent I was 8.5 years ago or even 3 years ago.

Ultimately, a FED baby is the BEST baby, despite whatever method is used.

Formula. Breastmilk.

All mamas are badass no matter how they feed their child and all we gotta do is take it one day at a time.

Peep my "Milk Maker" sweater from @thelittlemilkbar_ on Instagram

Sincerely, Acacia Toronchuk.